For Janet

I was finding it really hard to write this piece for you. I wasn't too sure you'd like the message or the way its being delivered but you were never really particular so I guess its okay..

I miss you so much these days. That is until I forget to.. miss you. Those moments feel more like you're right next to me.

You were always that person to make me think. On the surface it never seemed so but you were an extremely complicated being. You had many names: daughter, sister, Ma, YaYa, auntie, friend but Janet was the name I wanted to know more about. Every piece of your soul had its own story and I'm so grateful to have heard most of them. You taught me that no one is exactly how you see them. You taught me how trauma can mold you in so many different ways and how the good can overshadow the trauma on the best of days and sometimes the worst.

I can say its really different being here without you. A lot of what used to come naturally feels a bit forced without your encouragement. The bad days feel as if they'll go on forever without your pep talks. The good days don't feel as sweet without your congratulations. It feels like my world is as still as the day you left.

Its funny because we talked about that day so often I never thought it would come. It felt more like an imaginary scenario ya know? You would always say " don't worry about me, worry about you and continue to do what you love", but for whatever reason I never gave that any attention. Maybe its because I've never known life without you. All 26 years of my life you've been here to laugh with me, to wipe my tears and to tell me everything will be okay. No wonder everyday is a STRUGGLE.

There are days I find myself asking "What now, what am i supposed to do now?" I then pull on your spirit. I remember everything you've ever been proud of me for. I remember you telling me how much I inspired you and how shocked I was to hear that because you were the motivation behind most of my actions. I write because you've always told me to write my own story and never to let anyone else hold the pen. I have a thirst for adventure because of everything you'd wished to have done. I love so openly because you taught me to have a giving heart. I am who I am because of you and your own life lessons. I live because you lived before me. I know all that I know because you held nothing back from me. You are the reason.

So for that Janet I am thankful. I am thankful to have known you, to have loved you and to have been loved by you. I pray I'm continuing to make you proud.

Love, your little terror

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