To shrink myself would only diminish their sacrifice...
You guys.... when I say self doubt has been KILLING me lately, please believe me. I've been super down if we're being honest.
I've been trying to work on so many things at one time without truly believing in my ability to execute. I've been wanting to bring you guys some new words... in comes writers block. I've been applying for so many different positions with so many different companies... in comes rejection letter after rejection letter... Ya girl has been going through it and with 37 tabs open in my mind I began to shut down.
The struggle with being in a transitional space where everything feels like it won't happen for you is the thoughts that comes with it.
I've been feeling as if maybe I don't deserve these positions. I have writers block because I need to revamp the blog or the material I've been putting out has been trash. Nothing but toxic thoughts.
The one thing I can say that was true within those thoughts is that I didn't deserve what I was going after. And before you drag me, let me explain.
I didn't deserve anything I was going after because I wasn't open to receiving anything I was going after. I had been doing things that I felt I was supposed to be doing or that I had to do to really propel myself forward and truthfully my heart wasn't in it despite my mind telling me this is what was necessary.
So in comes the happy ending because in this case there is one...
You guys know I'm really into sitting with myself and reflecting on my day, my week, my month..
During a recent daily self reflection I realized how negative I was describing my efforts for that day. I had just applied for like 10 jobs and was super annoyed about applying for like 10 jobs because.... 10 applications? Too much in a day.
But I didn't give myself any credit for doing SOMETHING with my day rather than rewatching Insecure for the 8th time and eating Kettle corn in bed.
This realization led to me reworking my mind. I had to tell myself to be grateful for myself. To be grateful for the opportunity to choose my path, for the opportunity to explore my options because so many others before me didn't have that luxury.
I talked to myself like a nut for an hour and decided that from then on, I would reflect only on the good efforts I've put in place everyday. I told myself to open my heart to what I wanted because if you're not open to receiving your blessings they're going to fly right by you.
Here we are a week later and I'm surprising myself in more ways than I can imagine. My attitude toward my accomplishments has changed immensely and THE BLESSINGS ARE FLOWING IN... at an extremely overwhelming rate might I add but its cool, I'm open... I'm receiving...I'm open...I'm receiving.
Overall the moral to this story is stop dimming your own light and expecting it to still shine as bright.
About the Featured Writer:
Joaquin Capehart is a poet/author native of Queens, NY. In the fifth grade, he fell in love with the freedom of expression that poetry offered. Now at 32 years old, poetry is Joaquin’s purpose.
Before the Covid-19 pandemic Joaquin would recite poems in front of crowds full of strangers as JaeCee The Poet. In 2019 alone, he performed over 70 times doing shows in Washington, D.C and the legendary Langston Hughes House in Harlem, NY.
With a professional background in youth development, Joaquin has hosted poetry/life workshops for a program based in the Bronx & Queens for ages 17-24. And the work doesn’t stop there as Joaquin recently completed a 24-hour poetry world marathon; where he had to write one poem an hour for 24 hours straight.
The dedication continues as Joaquin’s 4th poetry book, Coffee Clock released on June 30th!