The past few weeks have been hard. Dealing with the day to day bullshit, work becoming a bit challenging, nervous about new opportunities, etc, etc...
Again, its been hard. All of that aside, what I've struggled with the most is that inner feeling to throw it all to the wind and and just let things happen how they happen.
I'm basically stuck between taking everything extremely seriously as if my life depends on it (which I know will inevitably trigger my anxiety and stress me the hell out) or having the "everything will happen how it should" attitude and keeping it cool. For me there's never an in-between...
Recently I've been seeing Black women chatting a lot about embracing their "softness" and from everyone's definition of it, being soft sounds like the ideal life to live if I'm being honest.
From what I'm hearing, embracing your soft side is a lot like being gentle and kind with yourself no matter what is happening around you. Treating yourself how you wished the world treated you... now babe this sounds like a task and a half but I'm willing to try because Lord knows I'm tired. Tired of stressing, overthinking, being "strong" all the damn time!
Like are we not done with the "Strong Black Woman" trope yet???
I don't want to be the one everyone can depend on anymore, the one with the solution, "Oh I know I can call Angie" when at the end of the day leaning on anyone myself feels like I'm asking for the moon and the stars or like I shouldn't be asking anyone for the answers to my own problems. I don't want to tackle all of my problems internally and "figure it out". That mentality cost me my smile in so many situations. I don't want to feel like speaking my mind and expressing my feelings will be met with judgement because a "strong Black woman" is supposed to have it all together or pull it together quickly.
In March of 2020 I wrote a piece called "Sad Girl" about the generational curse passed down from the strong Black women I was raised by. Looking back on that piece, I realize that I've slacked on my goal of tackling that curse and have honestly fallen right in line, allowing the world and the image of what I should be to be the only version of myself I embrace.
I believe as women we forget our depth and how truly multifaceted we are as beings.
As Black women we were cursed with strength, having to fight for ourselves at every turn because who was going to do it for us? But with the curse of strength we were gifted with the ability to love in a way that can't be matched, care in a way that feels like home to those blessed enough to experience it... unfortunately we've spent so much time protecting ourselves from the world that we ultimately forgot to nurture ourselves!
With that epiphany comes my vow to embrace my soft side simply because I deserve it! I deserve to meet myself with love and honor myself in times when I am slept on. I deserve to feel deserving in good and bad times. I deserve it all to be honest and what better person to give that to me than myself? So again, I take this vow to myself to embrace my soft side in addition to my strength. I shall call it..."Soft Girl Spring" which will then transition into "Soft Girl Summer" where we don't stress over what we can't control, we give ourselves grace, we treat ourselves how we wish the world treated us, we love ourselves like we're the only one of us to exist...
I can be strong and handle my business but its also okay to vent about things and talk about how hard it was to get through that without feeling like I'm oversharing or complaining. Its okay for me to take time off to bandage my cuts and bruises from the fight of life and I shouldn't feel like I'm letting myself down or like I could be using that time for something more productive when rest is a key component in any process. Its more than okay for me to ask for help when shit becomes too much.
Denouncing being that strong Black woman means embracing my humanity more than it means embracing my femininity. More of us need to understand that society has stripped us from the right to feel comfortable being basic human beings but that's a Word for a different day huh?